


An Unexpected Dragon

by atiredbean



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Fix-It of Sorts, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-08
Updated: 2021-01-08
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:55:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28629876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atiredbean/pseuds/atiredbean
Summary: Dragons are just large, very bored cats. Fight me.
Kudos: 8





	An Unexpected Dragon

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know what this is, other than something my brain thinks is funny. 
> 
> It popped into my head this morning and wouldn't leave me alone. First time writing anything fic related in years, so please be gentle.
> 
> Very un-beta'd; I wrote it in three hours on my phone, so apologies for any typos I might've missed.
> 
> Also, the tagging system is confusing as shit in my opinion. Oh well. 
> 
> Comments etc. are welcome and much appreciated!

So I'm standing right in front of Smaug, or as much as I can be without having to bend my neck at a ninety degree angle, which would be absolute hell by the way, because have you ever tried doing that for more than ten seconds? No, I didn't think so. It fucking sucks.

The others are maybe two feet behind me.

Thorin is all the way on the left, looking very much like he can't decide if he wants to either a) dive into the literal mountains of gold and dig through them like a mole, or b) ignore the gold in favour of launching himself at Smaug and trying to rip his head off with his bare hands. He's also absolutely terrified of moving, which is why he doesn't. 

Bard is standing right behind me, and lemme tell you something; I've never seen a more terrified man in my entire life, and I have Seen Some Shit, my friends. I'm pretty sure the only reason why the poor guy didn't die on the spot was the fact that that meant that he had to move, which none of them were in favour of doing the whole time. 

And then there's Thranduil, who we all know is the epitome of the concept "cool, calm and collected" on the outside. On the inside, and I know for a fact that he'll never admit to this, not even under torture, the guy is absolutely shitting himself. I did not need to look at him to know that. He was radiating fear. It was hilarious. 

So there we are, in the middle of Erebor's treasury, about to have a very casual conversation with a fucking dragon. No biggie, right? Right. 

'Hey dude.' I say, because I am an idiot and my shield is the size of a dinnerplate. 'Ya ever hear of a guy called Azog the Defiler?'

Smaug doesn't reply. Yay.

'Because the absolute dickwad wants to have my guy Thorin's head on a silver platter, and I'll be honest with ya, that ain't it chief.'

Silence. Well, at least he's letting say my piece in peace. Small mercies and all that. 

'So, I have a proposition for you, and I'd like you to just hear me out here for a sec, because there's only good things in it for everybody.'

If the oversized lizard could raise an eyebrow, I'm pretty sure he would do it immediately. I love him a little bit. 

I take a deep breath. Here goes nothing, folks. 

'So, Azog the Defiler, known to be the biggest asshole on any side of any river and also probably the whitest motherfucker I've ever seen in my entire life, hears about this whole "I wanna reclaim Erebor" shtick that my man Thorin has got going on, and he says "hell no, dude, not on my fucking watch" and so he starts hunting the poor guy, because apparently he's got nothing else to do, what a fucking loser am I right, and it's not as if Thorin doesn't already have to deal with getting here before Durin's Day, and all kinds of complete bullshit nobody needs at all, like Elves and Trolls and Very Large And Very Nasty Spiders, no, on top of all of that he has to deal with Azog wanting some fun for once, which is just complete and utter bullshit in my opinion, like get a fucking life dude, seriously, but eventually we make it here in time and the big day happens and now here we are, but oh wait, you're here too, and very much alive, which is great for you, congrats on getting here and all, but kinda bad for us, because now we have to deal with you as well, and ain't that just fucking perfect, because friendly reminder, Azog's still bored as all fuck and on his way to fucking ruin everyone's fucking day, because he's got a fucking army too, and I might be fucking stupid, but even I know that we're kinda fucked if we have to deal with that on our own, and don't get me wrong, we're all kinda decent with a sword or whatever, but that army is Huge and there's maybe fifteen of us here at the moment, so that kinda sucks, but then I have an idea, and it's a shitty idea, everyone hates it, but I don't give a fuck, so I say "do we really have to kill the lizard?" and everyone says "yes you fucking imbecile" and I go "but we're outnumbered and will get royally fucked, no matter what" and they all go "we'll be fine now shut the fuck up" and I go "nah dude" and now here we are and we're very desperate and would like your help with the whole "Azog is a dick" thing please.' 

I stop talking, breathe for a second and apologize profusely to my lungs for having done it to em. They don't accept. Bastards. 

Meanwhile, Smaug blinks. Looks at the four of us. Hopefully weighs his options. Blinks again.

And then he laughs. And he doesn't stop. 

And I don't mean a ' Ha ha ha' kinda laugh.

I mean a full on belly laugh.

I mean the kinda laugh you have at three in the morning after you just spent the past four hours watching vine compilations on YouTube, because your life is already in shambles, so who fucking cares. 

That kinda laugh. 

And then he stops and looks at me like I'm a pile of dog shit he just stepped in with his best shoes and I'm pretty sure we're all completely fucked beyond belief, and he says 

'What's in it for me?' 

Brain.exe has stopped responding. Please restart.

Rebooting..

10..

9..

8..

7..

6..

5..

4..

3..

2..

1..

Reboot complete.

Restarting..

'Well, the main thing is that you get to live. That's nice, right? Because otherwise we kinda have to kill you, and I'd like you to not judge us all by looking at me, because I'm very much not the standard and everyone else here is very much capable of killing you, except maybe Bard, who's probably still very sorry and absolutely heartbroken because he stepped on an ant three days ago.' 

Smaug snorts in amusement. I Love A Lizard.

'Consider me.. Intrigued.' He says and I have to stop myself from fainting for probably the twelfth time in the last thirty minutes.

'Alright.' I say. 'The basics are this: you help us with getting rid of Azog and you get to live. You also get to take as much of the treasure with you as possible, which is the part that Thorin hates very much, but he wants his ancestral home back, doesn't he, so shut up and deal with it, you fucking dumbass, but yeah, that's basically it.' 

Smaug has, while I laid out the terms of the deal for him, lowered his head and is now resting it on his front paws. When I'm done talking, he blinks again, slowly this time, and then says 

'I will admit, there isn't much to do here, so I find myself a bit bored as well.'

He pauses.

I wait. Thorin waits. Bard waits. Thranduil waits.

'Consider it done.' Smaug says finally, raises his head and peers down at the four of us. 

I blink. Then I cross the distance between my spot in the room and Smaug's chest and attempt to hug him. Obviously it doesn't work, because he's a fifty foot tall dragon and I'm not, but it's the thought that counts. 

"You're the man, dude." I tell him for good measure, and then Thorin, Bard, Thranduil and I get the hell outta dodge as fast as we can.

The company, Legolas, Tauriel and Thranduil's guards are anxiously waiting for us outside the door. I step out first and spread my arms wide.

'Who's an imbecile now, you fucking assholes?!' 

Dwalin punches me in the stomach, tells me to shut up and then him and everyone else asks what happened. When they're done, everyone stares at me. Dwalin punches me again, but he's grinning now, so I know he's not thinking about skinning me alive at the moment. Small mercies.

Between that and dinner, a raven arrives with a message from Dain, promising to help us as much as he can. The next morning, Smaug allows the company to raid the place for weapons and armor. Bard and Thranduil agree that those who are too young or too old into the Mirkwood until the battle is over and leave immediately after breakfast. 

Dain and his soldiers arrive three days later. Just like Thorin and the rest of the company, he's not all that excited about the idea of Smaug being alive and helping us, and he makes damn sure I know it, but just like I have this whole time, I don't give a fuck. 

And then Azog is here. 

He's just as white as I remember, if not more. Thorin stares daggers at him and growls something that sounds a lot like 'he's mine', so I just pat his shoulder, assure hin that he'll get his chance and then make my way into the treasury.

'Showtime, dude. You ready to rock and roll?' 

Smaug growls. I take that as a yes and get out. 

The battle starts. I stick to Dwalin, because the guy attracts Orcs like sugar attracts flies, and together we make our way through the first wave of attackers. 

And then, before the second wave starts, an almost eardrum shattering roar erupts from the mountain. 'Fuck yeah!' I say, grab a hold of Dwalin and haul ass back to the battlements. While we run, I see Smaug come up from behind the mountain, sail over the top and hover above it for a few seconds. Fuck knows how he got out without anyone noticing, but the guy sure has a thing for dramaric entrances. He'll get a full score from the judges, that's for sure. 

Then Smaug descends onto the battlefield, like some kind of angel of fire and death. I Still Love A Lizard. 

The Orcs don't stand a single fucking chance and within seconds, the majority of Azog's army is reduced to a pile of ashes. I'll never get the smell of Burning Orc out of my nose, but fuck, the guy sure is effective. 

At Raven Hill, Azog is so shocked at Smaug apparently being A Thing that he doesn't see Thorin's sword being swung at his neck. Then he doesn't see anything anymore, because Thorin Fucking Oakenshield has just chopped his fucking head off clean. Pretty much the same thing happens to Bolg, who is stabbed in the neck from two sides by Double Trouble, more commonly known as Filí and Kilí, sons of Dís and nephews of the second most badass motherfucker alive, after Smaug obviously, Thorin God Damn Oakenshield. 

And then the battle is over, we count the wounded and dead, and I walk up to Smaug, who's trying his absolute hardest not to explode with excess energy. His tail is swishing from one side to another and when I catch sight of his pupils, it's like I'm looking at an oversized cat at the height of their zoomies. Incredible. 

'That' I start, 'was absolutely fucking incredible, my dude.' Smaug bares his teeth at that, which is his version of grinning like an idiot. 

'I haven't had this much fun in decades!' He replies, and I can't help but to laugh. 

'Trust me.' I say. 'This place is never short of excitement, especially if you know the right kind of people.' He laughs and anyone who isn't dead yet has a heart attack at the sound. 'Come on, let's get your gold sorted out, before Thorin changes his mind.' I tell him and then begin to make my way back into the mountain. Smaug follows me like a golden retriever who's been promised the biggest, juiciest bone. An hour later we emerge again, Smaug's belly full of gold and silver, and me being thoroughly tired. 

'I owe you.' He tells me just before he leaves. 'Should you ever be in need of my assistance again, you'll only need to send a message.' I chuckle a little at that and consider telling him all about the One Ring. Instead, I tell him to keep an eye on the less savoury side of things and that he'll know when he's needed again. He tilts his head to the side, blinks a few times and just looks at me.

'Very well.' He then says. 'Fare thee well.' With that, he turns, begins to climb the side of the mountain, pushes himself off and into the air and disappears into the setting sun within minutes. 

I Really Love A Lizard.

fin


End file.
